Handy hints

People of Sydney. It seems that the majority of you have absolutely no idea how to behave when it's raining. Allow me to give you some pointers. It might make these rainy days a little easier to bear.

Drivers. Why not consider, ooh, I don't know, SLOWING DOWN, YOU FUCKING IDIOTS??????? The road is wet. There are more of you on the road - what with all car owners being scared of getting wet -and conditions are changed. Please slow down. None of you look as though you're having fun when you're standing outside of your cars in the pouring rain exchanging insurance details/verbal insults/blows.

Pedestrians. If you're using an umbrella, consider the fact that this increases the space you usually take up as you stroll down Oxford St. You might want to think about looking where you're going as well. Take a couple of seconds to peer out from under your brolly and see who you might be about to spear. Oh yes, and those of you with golf umbrellas? Please just fuck off and die. You're not playing golf. You need something smaller. And if you're only 5ft you're going to take someones eye out.

Public transport users. Make someones day by moving inside the bus shelter. I'm delighted that you're undercover and I'd quite like to be there too. When the bus comes, don't dawdle. Get on quick smart. You've had plenty of time to locate your bus pass or loose change in the time that you've been hogging the cover so stop fannying about when the bus doors open. If you don't get on quickly, I can't promise that I won't a) shove you or b) shout at you. Once on board, hold your sopping wet umbrella low to the ground. Don't walk down the aisle brandishing it in front of you. For one thing, you're not a medieval jouster, and for another it's dripping on me so bloody well stop it.

It's been raining all week and it shows no sign of stopping. It's not as though you've never seen wet stuff before, you should know how to deal with it. And if one more person tells me that I should be used to the rain, what with being English, I'm going to get a golf brolley and shove it up their arse.

Now, who was it who said I needed anger management classes?